One thing about having a blog, is what if you don’t really have anything of value to say. Have you ever felt like that, like your mind is this blank space waiting to be filled but not in a Taylor Swift kind of way? I have that a lot. Especially lately. What does that mean, I wonder? I’ve read that what your mind dwells on in its free time is an indication of where your “treasure” is. Hmmm, thats scary, apparently my treasure is nothing!? When my kids were younger, sometimes, my mind was singing Raffi songs in the car, while on my way to the grocery store, alone. “I like to eat, eat, eat, ayples and banaynays! ” Or Sharon, Lois and Bram, “skidamarinky dinky dink, skiadamarinky doo, I love you…” That’s a weird treasure, kids songs!! Now, mostly, if I’m not busy, my mind seriously is simply blank. So, where does that leave me and my treasure?
Perhaps I need to expand my knowledge. I didn’t finish college, at the time, I wasn’t focused, I didn’t have a good goal, I always had wanted to be a wife and mother and so I think I looked at college as filler, mostly. How I wish I had somehow figured out how to do both. I don’t mean I wish I had postponed our marriage or having our children, I would not change any of that. But I could have, still could, I suppose, worked at it slowly and done both. What could I have become? It is fun to think about…
I have found since taking care of Flossie, that I wish I had become a nurse. I rather enjoy most of the service aspects of helping her. And I’d like to think I would have been a pretty good labor and delivery nurse, having experienced that a few times. Or I could have become a teacher, I really like being with kids in that environment helping them grasp new concepts and I think I am good at that, too. I’ve toyed with the idea that I could go back now, its never too late, but realistically, even going full time, it’d take at best 4 years, I’d be 56 -57 years old. Who would hire an inexperienced nurse or teacher at that age? So, how can I expand my knowledge so my mind is working on things in its spare time just for me, not for the purpose of getting a job?
Here are a few things I came up with, just now, while apparently having a cathartic moment in my life while writing my blog post. You see, I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, feeling less like a person, and more like an exister. Ever felt like that? Maybe this list will help me, maybe you, but I need it more, I am sure :).
- Read more. I love reading, but not in little snippets here and there, I like to have half an hour at least, to get into my book. But maybe I need to learn to enjoy reading little bits at a time and savor those moments. First and foremost, should be 15 minutes a day of my scriptures, something I have been lacking in since I don’t teach my early morning religion class to high schoolers. Okay, I think I can do this.
- Find a topic I am interested in, and learn about it, through internet/magazines/friends etc. This one is hard for me, I often say the phrase jokingly, but I think seriously, as well, “I don’t like to learn new things”. What a cop out!! I was blessed with this healthy body and brain and should be developing it with effort and enjoyment. So, I think I will learn more about nutrition and how I can improve on that for me and for my family. I can do that. One new recipe a week.
- Learn and/or improve on a skill. I used to sew for my girls and home often and enjoyed it and had confidence and fun. Now my confidence has waned and its scary for me. I made a pretty and simple quilt for Flossie as a gift after she had her stroke, it turned out so nice, thanks to the encouragement of a friend and my sister, who both boosted my confidence. I have one all ready to sew for Stephie’s baby, been all ready to put together for over a month. What is holding me back? I can do that! What a shot in the arm it is to complete something hanging over my head. I can sew those little squares together, enjoy the smell of the steam as I press the seams to the side, and find joy in the project coming together. I will do this.
- Be brave. Try new things, foods, activities, sit down with John and really try and understand why he likes Minecraft and learn to play with him. Wow, I don’t know if I can/want to do this one! This is hard and would be really going out of the box for me. I hate video games, but he is so interested and loves that game so much. I should go rock climbing with Sam to the local place he likes to go, give it a shot, be interested with him, let him teach me. Allow myself to be put into that funky harness, and then climb up so all can have that lovely view of the harness tugging at my pants pulling everything just weirdly around the bottom area. Shudder!! Have Lizzie teach me about style and fashion and learn from her very sophisticated taste that is beyond her 16 years. She has such good taste in clothing and interior design, I need to watch and observe and learn from her. I can try these things, this number 4 is harder than the others, if I try and fail, I will feel selfish, like my kids weren’t worth the effort… But I will try.
That is all I can put out there for myself right now, those are a lot of things. Hopefully I can go outside of my comfort zone and try and fill my blank space and therefore my treasure will be more full and rich. I don’t want an empty treasure. So, any and all encouragement from you all would be greatly appreciated, ask specifically if I finished Stephie’s quilt, if I have tried any new recipes, ask about my world I will learn to build in Minecraft, and ask where I am in my Scripture reading, and what novel/magazine I have read lately. Ask what I am learning about, is it a foreign language, about finance and investing, is it learning about strokes and how one can best help a patient… Ask me, help me be accountable to my very own list of Treasures. I don’t want a blank space any more.
That is all. thanks for being my therapist this morning.